More than Imagination

lol. Although you're mostly in my head, there is more tangible talk in the digital media. Both in my head and through information trafficking, I have always had a hard time in believing or knowing something. Over time, I can be convinced of something enough, but I usually question a lot of what I see. With the things I do pick up on, you seem so warm. Mostly, anyway. Even though we have a pretend marriage and "pregnancy," you look like you're still being a player. Back in the day, in my own fun and games and not understanding the trafficking world and info, I picked on some guys as "being a baby in the womb." The guy isn't born yet. I see the Stockholm, or his arab-minded male dominant relationship, The Police "Every breathe you take," but he isn't physically there to have the literal conversation or come on. I have a lot of different labels and names I've given men through the years. It never seemed the normal boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship. I can play pretend so long until I question how much I kid myself, and how much of a real reality my life is. If the guy isn't literally and physically in my life after so long, I sometimes give up on the pretend relationship. I just don't know what to do sometimes when I get approached by a guy I could give a chance to who is really there, and what I should do. Some guys are easy to write off where some people do just lie and say they're married or gay, but fibbing comes easier with some than others. Right now, I'm stuck on you enough where I could just keep saying I have a boyfriend and am "seeing someone," but I don't know how much you will fade or become more of a reality. I did pick up on some signs last night. The good news is that you're not anywhere close to subjecting me to someone, but I do feel threatened by the idea that not only you want someone else, but who the someone else's are. Right now, it looks like Stacy, Jade, Katie, Becky, and whatever other random women. I'm indifferent with Jade, but the others are pretty serious enemies. Maybe you are being careless, or maybe you have some kind of terrible game going on where you could be wanting to trick or cheat me. I'm not liking the paranoia of it. Some kind of crack head prejudice with you and them against me? I hate to say it or ask it, but I just don't know what you are up to. I don't think you would force me into doing drugs, but I feel you could be weakening me into you. You're pretty warm at least. It isn't an ugly Mary Jane picture. I'm not sure if Ashton is coming onto me again too. I don't want to be in anymore trouble than what I'm already in. I'll be thinking of you, Colin.

Canada: Figuratively, Emotionally

Figurative? Not really if I were to word it more around common social stereotypes of Canada. There were times earlier in life where I have been accused of being snobby, stuck up, or thinking I am too good. There are times where I could kill to take advantage of those approached times, but in an earlier time, my objective thoughts were more in trying to make friends with any and everybody. Times, where I was more naïve and easier to manipulate. Freedom is freedom and no matter how many people want to manipulate or be violent Gadhafi's over my truth, my truth is: I think I am too good. I can be reasonable in my own personal chosen instances over SPECIFIC, SPECIFIC things. People just like to lie or manipulate my truth too much. Where some instances are a dead giveaway to me, it terribly isn't with someone else. While being "too good," can be said in such a broad way, I will care to clarify a few places where I know I have been lied about and wrongly judged. As with a large number of other reasons of thinking I am too good; it takes a person to care to know and to take the time while caring to know. It also takes my honest, unmanipulated consent in caring to share with someone the way I think or feel. I know my life has been ruined by ridiculous and irrelevant communism. A lot of times, I feel people either put it on me that my life was purposed to be a beauty contest or put it on themselves to make a beauty contest out of anything and everything. I know I have been wrongfully judged with my purpose in life to be a beauty contest. My personal views are: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is skin deep. With me in reality mostly having disregard with other women, being attracted and especially sexually attracted to a man is what matters most. It matters who certain men find attractive, and I would hope that the men I find attractive find me to be attractive. I think in some cases I could say I would go through some measures to beat some systems, but as much as people feel they are right in there own assumptions, it is never safe to assume or judge some people the way some people do. ... Anyhoo I choose to spare myself some trouble of being wrongly mistaken or judged when people want to judge me as being out for a beauty contest. IN MY FREEDOM AND LIBERTY OF THINKING, FEELING, AND EXPRESSING: It is that I mostly think I am too good for a certain number of people for a certain number of my own personal reasons. .... I did ask a few people questions on their stereotypes of the U.S.... while they wouldn't come out to say they think they are "too good," for the U.S., some specifically stated that they think a large majority of the U.S. are rednecks. (Although some Canadians could refer to another as a redneck, being called a redneck is not a proud term. There is no redneck pride in the majority).

Canada: My Own Personal Adventure

Good times, good times, and good breathing room. While I can live and learn about the smaller travel mistakes, I do not regret this trip to Canada at all. It was definitely vacation worthy. The start of it was the worst part of it: immigration. I had no other choice but to wait the longest time to get in due to a security guards nonsense and ridiculous interrogation. He really made it his point to judge me and question me to my face in the worst way. I made it my point to make him feel like a fool for being the violent and hateful interrogator that he was. I shrugged it off and refused to let it ruin the rest of my trip. The first night I didn't do much of anything but settle in. I think I had the best burger I've ever had. My hotel had two restaurants (one I learned about later) and one was an expensive Chop house. While I don't think any burger should be that much, the taste was worth the price. It seemed like half of my money went towards food and transportation. It bummed me out a little. While shopping and clothes are about the same price or cheaper than the U.S., the food wasn't. I had a difficult time in trying to eat cheap. In transportation, I think the hassle would have been the same if I used a rental car vs. public transportation. It felt good to be in the city. To my surprise, there was another large mall across the street that I could easily get to through the pedway. Just that one was bigger than the Altoona (4 floors). I went to the Edmonton mall, and by the time I left, I'm pretty sure I got the whole mall covered. HUGE MALL. I didn't have the time or the money to do all that I wanted to do or purchase, but I still did the little bit of everything that I had planned. I went out club hopping the second night on Whyte ave. and had a good time. I only made it to 2 or 3 places by the time that I went home. All of the places were pretty neat night clubs. I met someone and met up with him later again to spend Valentines, wink wink. The next night I was too hung-over to go out and had a difficult time in shopping too. I went back to my place took a nap, got up to eat, then went to bed again. I had originally planned to go clubbing both nights, but I just wasn't able. The waterpark was a blast. I wished I would have gone on a Thursday or Friday, but just wasn't thinking about it all. It was wild and crazy. I have never seen water slides like that before. It is definitely thrill seeking slides. I couldn't handle them all. Two of them gave me a panic attack. I just get this fear when water splashes in my face and it gets hard to see or breathe. They weren't full fledged panic attacks. But my heart raced and my breathe was hard and panicky. I went to the wave pool a few times and had myself a nice colada drink. Had there not been a line for the large oversized hot tub, I would have finished there. I picked one of the easier yet still fun waterslides to go down before I ventured back into the mall. Of course I wished I had more money I could spend. I was bummed at the overall food and transportation expense because that meant spending less on shopping. I still got a good amount of stuff. I could have bought more, but will have to save my shopping for another time. I originally planned to get some stuff at Guess and Express too, but I know there are stores in the states or where I could just order clothes online. Fun Fun Fun. I could do it again, but will have to be later in the future.