Dear Jon

This is more thinking out loud and a brainstorm than anything.......
The past week and last week or so; I still don't know how honest you're being. I really would assume that maybe you're just bullshitting to test me, or maybe you are seriously telling the truth. I think you were testing me to see if you could still make me cry to tell whether or not I have emotions for you. Your test made you find out your answer....... I still don't know what is completely going on with you; if you have your mind set on something; if you have any serious plans about something; if you're being just spontaneous about a lot of things.
I can't help but have a little laugh to myself and feel I'm still probably being decieved in some ways with a subtle suggestion of ~domestication to you~ I don't completely eat up the super size meal and exaggeration of writing a book. I'm just wondering what are you expecting and thinking? I hate my status quo for what it is: I have a damned life, can't find and keep a job, feel constantly hated in the meanest and most degrading ways, and have nowhere else to live but my parents house. You could probably be making assumptions and deceptions to ~lie to me and hint you want me and want me to be domesticated to you~ for the motive of wanting me to stay calm or something. It is better than putting up with any of your abuse. I have thought about the idea on occassion and in general terms sometimes and it is another thought where it depends and it is complicated. I've actually thought it was a nice thought. But lets get real: where am I really living and just how bad my personal finances have been. Do you really think I'm sold on your fairy dust to keep living with these circumstances? I do know I get lied about and harassed with other things that is really just extra junk noise in the background. But in judging me honestly to know what my real focuses are; do you really think I'm sold on playing pretend with your fairy dust?
If I am supposed to accomplish something and figure out the precise person to say the precise thing to, or conform to subjective games, I really don't know what to do at this point. I really would not be surprised if someone took their corruption a step further to not only deny everything I am but to seriously give me some kind of psychological or mental label that will force me to only accept a welfare check the rest of my life. Some people have been so violently judgemental, harassing, and undermining, I really wouldn't be surprised if their desperation would get away with their hateful intentions. I hate the general idea of people who have already been labeled at being disabled and disordered right now. This really isn't about them and I really do hate the extra pressure and expectations to be cautious when I'm just trying to speak personally about what is going on around myself. With the abuse I've already experienced, I really would not be surprised if someone were to get away with more desperation of how they want to label me.
I just don't know what you really expect of me or where to go from here. I still have clung to the statement that I'll never blame myself for anything, but some people's hate and desperation has been and has the potential to be too strong for me to do anything about anything. I don't have the money to get out of town. I don't have the money to do much for myself. Besides saying that you think I have been working too hard; I feel lazier in the past few months naturally with being pregnant and all. video games just aren't as fun anymore. Well, I really don't know, I just havn't cared to play them. Something I may get around to one day. Maybe when Mitzi gets older, I'll play some with her. With you to play video games, its back to the fairy dust............
off to have another day of napping and knitting............

Dear Jon

Besides some Peter Pan jokes, I had the wierdest dream the other day that I was floating, no gravity. It really scared me. Just a random thought......
I think you gave a hint last night with one reason to be angry or hateful towards me. Steven Seagull (Colbert). I really don't know what he really did to you. I obviously did cheer for him with however "he beat you up." I'm sorry. I know you and him have seemed to kid around and stuff and I really don't know the drama that is going on with you guys. It was just a time a few months ago when with the things that were going on, I was happy and relieved. I can put it behind me, but you give one reason to be the punisher with me. I really don't know how else to say anything. You seem to have your own thoughts and I have mine and I don't know how to not breathe. We can't change each other's minds. It is just a moment to put behind, but you could be wanting to use it against me for a long time or just have your own times of getting revenge and that is that.
I don't have anything against Steve now. It is nothing personal that I havn't watched his show. I havn't even caught up with all of the SNL episodes yet. I even told you I have usually been going to bed earlier, so I'm just plain tired after your show. He is on my good side though right now. Well, I guess it also depends on your punishment and my ~hard time to say~ obedience to you~.
I know that you sometimes play the pimp with me. But, besides Steve, sometimes I think there are random men that come and go that you just may actually be jealous of or have a problem or worry in me being attracted to. You already know how it is with me when it is on my end.... I know I'm more emotional right now and have a lot of emotions about a lot of things. I've already said that right now I just don't care about anything. So, if you want to keep seducing me and me play your sex kitten, I can play along. I may have a clear mind or something may be different in the future later, but I just don't care. It does and doesn't count with the fairy dust but I'll just be carefree.