Dr. Jack, they're killing me.

Dropping in and feeling embarrassed in my soap box... whether or not you have the time to listen to me and my drama.... I'm lost with today's arbitrage and messages too. I think David wants to keep playing me more and this time it is having a share or two with his ex wife. It can only fuel my fire against him more with the way he wants to keep me played like that. I really feel he is just another Mr. Smith tyrant that adds to the totalitarianism in my past life for as long as I can remember. I feel it is Jon and Jim who have always been the biggest tyrants and totalitarians of it all. It is like I will be talking to a brick wall the rest of my life only to be greeted by the next Mr. Smith tyrant who wants to outsmart, or out rig me with other strategies.... The serious insensitivity of it all has been more than I can bear and drives me insane. What part of "no," didn't some men understand for the last time, a long time ago? David is another man who makes me feel like one of the most ignored women in the world for the things he doesn't understand and most basic concepts he can't get. .... Jack, I would greatly assume that you are one to believe in monogamy. Even if you didn't, you do not make me feel disturbed with your will to live vs. my will to live. I don't know where you presently stand in thinking about relationships. While I'm still not much impressed with the piggishness and unfairness of Don Drapers, I'd feel the most relief if you were a Don Draper who tried to believe in monogamy than to be a Burlusconi with a hard core drive of believing in open relationships. There is such a disgusting insensitivity that has been there in some ways and is that bad. The piggish insensitivity makes a woman fall out of love with a man in a snap of a finger. Some men have killed me with the worst lies and worst vanities in favor of other women as if I were a willing one to open relationships and bisexuality where the woman's will to care matters more than the man's "on my end". If there were ever a more terrorizing lie, one of the most terrorizing was with the movie with Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem "Vicky Christina Barcelona." Some men have always wanted to put the worst lies and faults on me for their own ego sake. They will never own up to their short comings, faults, or fails. They have piggishly always made it on me. While I still have some common ground with the couple; it's heartbreaking in its own way that I have to hate them anyway because of the serious level of terror they brought over my life because of what some real truths are and the way they and others chose to take and mistake me. Some men have never emotionally understood me and the way that I feel. I feel David is a man who makes me victim to his own self deceit and he is still too late to know the way that he seriously needs to get me. I've already learned my lesson in putting myself to a man's mercy for the way he lies to himself, the way he wants to question and interrogate me. There can be no greater torture or torment at times. I know you're the one I'm being vulnerable with, and the credit goes to you..... I'm not entirely sure what is going on with Travis. He is definitely a more nice and friendly tyrant. But polygamist/ open relationship tyrant is the key word. He seriously sounds like a nice siren, but despite some emotional connection, I think he is going to be the same type of problem. .... Jack I don't know where you presently stand in your thoughts with relationships or how serious of a level of threat you are. You did leave a good impression on me though. I really like a lot of the Dead Weather songs. You're the wind beneath my wings and my hero. You are the reason of my Pyro in your own right. The totalitarianism, tyrants, Mr. Smiths, Don Drapers are killing me. They're killing me Jack. The Dead Weather is not dead like that.

More than Imagination

lol. Although you're mostly in my head, there is more tangible talk in the digital media. Both in my head and through information trafficking, I have always had a hard time in believing or knowing something. Over time, I can be convinced of something enough, but I usually question a lot of what I see. With the things I do pick up on, you seem so warm. Mostly, anyway. Even though we have a pretend marriage and "pregnancy," you look like you're still being a player. Back in the day, in my own fun and games and not understanding the trafficking world and info, I picked on some guys as "being a baby in the womb." The guy isn't born yet. I see the Stockholm, or his arab-minded male dominant relationship, The Police "Every breathe you take," but he isn't physically there to have the literal conversation or come on. I have a lot of different labels and names I've given men through the years. It never seemed the normal boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship. I can play pretend so long until I question how much I kid myself, and how much of a real reality my life is. If the guy isn't literally and physically in my life after so long, I sometimes give up on the pretend relationship. I just don't know what to do sometimes when I get approached by a guy I could give a chance to who is really there, and what I should do. Some guys are easy to write off where some people do just lie and say they're married or gay, but fibbing comes easier with some than others. Right now, I'm stuck on you enough where I could just keep saying I have a boyfriend and am "seeing someone," but I don't know how much you will fade or become more of a reality. I did pick up on some signs last night. The good news is that you're not anywhere close to subjecting me to someone, but I do feel threatened by the idea that not only you want someone else, but who the someone else's are. Right now, it looks like Stacy, Jade, Katie, Becky, and whatever other random women. I'm indifferent with Jade, but the others are pretty serious enemies. Maybe you are being careless, or maybe you have some kind of terrible game going on where you could be wanting to trick or cheat me. I'm not liking the paranoia of it. Some kind of crack head prejudice with you and them against me? I hate to say it or ask it, but I just don't know what you are up to. I don't think you would force me into doing drugs, but I feel you could be weakening me into you. You're pretty warm at least. It isn't an ugly Mary Jane picture. I'm not sure if Ashton is coming onto me again too. I don't want to be in anymore trouble than what I'm already in. I'll be thinking of you, Colin.

Canada: Figuratively, Emotionally

Figurative? Not really if I were to word it more around common social stereotypes of Canada. There were times earlier in life where I have been accused of being snobby, stuck up, or thinking I am too good. There are times where I could kill to take advantage of those approached times, but in an earlier time, my objective thoughts were more in trying to make friends with any and everybody. Times, where I was more naïve and easier to manipulate. Freedom is freedom and no matter how many people want to manipulate or be violent Gadhafi's over my truth, my truth is: I think I am too good. I can be reasonable in my own personal chosen instances over SPECIFIC, SPECIFIC things. People just like to lie or manipulate my truth too much. Where some instances are a dead giveaway to me, it terribly isn't with someone else. While being "too good," can be said in such a broad way, I will care to clarify a few places where I know I have been lied about and wrongly judged. As with a large number of other reasons of thinking I am too good; it takes a person to care to know and to take the time while caring to know. It also takes my honest, unmanipulated consent in caring to share with someone the way I think or feel. I know my life has been ruined by ridiculous and irrelevant communism. A lot of times, I feel people either put it on me that my life was purposed to be a beauty contest or put it on themselves to make a beauty contest out of anything and everything. I know I have been wrongfully judged with my purpose in life to be a beauty contest. My personal views are: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is skin deep. With me in reality mostly having disregard with other women, being attracted and especially sexually attracted to a man is what matters most. It matters who certain men find attractive, and I would hope that the men I find attractive find me to be attractive. I think in some cases I could say I would go through some measures to beat some systems, but as much as people feel they are right in there own assumptions, it is never safe to assume or judge some people the way some people do. ... Anyhoo I choose to spare myself some trouble of being wrongly mistaken or judged when people want to judge me as being out for a beauty contest. IN MY FREEDOM AND LIBERTY OF THINKING, FEELING, AND EXPRESSING: It is that I mostly think I am too good for a certain number of people for a certain number of my own personal reasons. .... I did ask a few people questions on their stereotypes of the U.S.... while they wouldn't come out to say they think they are "too good," for the U.S., some specifically stated that they think a large majority of the U.S. are rednecks. (Although some Canadians could refer to another as a redneck, being called a redneck is not a proud term. There is no redneck pride in the majority).

Canada: My Own Personal Adventure

Good times, good times, and good breathing room. While I can live and learn about the smaller travel mistakes, I do not regret this trip to Canada at all. It was definitely vacation worthy. The start of it was the worst part of it: immigration. I had no other choice but to wait the longest time to get in due to a security guards nonsense and ridiculous interrogation. He really made it his point to judge me and question me to my face in the worst way. I made it my point to make him feel like a fool for being the violent and hateful interrogator that he was. I shrugged it off and refused to let it ruin the rest of my trip. The first night I didn't do much of anything but settle in. I think I had the best burger I've ever had. My hotel had two restaurants (one I learned about later) and one was an expensive Chop house. While I don't think any burger should be that much, the taste was worth the price. It seemed like half of my money went towards food and transportation. It bummed me out a little. While shopping and clothes are about the same price or cheaper than the U.S., the food wasn't. I had a difficult time in trying to eat cheap. In transportation, I think the hassle would have been the same if I used a rental car vs. public transportation. It felt good to be in the city. To my surprise, there was another large mall across the street that I could easily get to through the pedway. Just that one was bigger than the Altoona (4 floors). I went to the Edmonton mall, and by the time I left, I'm pretty sure I got the whole mall covered. HUGE MALL. I didn't have the time or the money to do all that I wanted to do or purchase, but I still did the little bit of everything that I had planned. I went out club hopping the second night on Whyte ave. and had a good time. I only made it to 2 or 3 places by the time that I went home. All of the places were pretty neat night clubs. I met someone and met up with him later again to spend Valentines, wink wink. The next night I was too hung-over to go out and had a difficult time in shopping too. I went back to my place took a nap, got up to eat, then went to bed again. I had originally planned to go clubbing both nights, but I just wasn't able. The waterpark was a blast. I wished I would have gone on a Thursday or Friday, but just wasn't thinking about it all. It was wild and crazy. I have never seen water slides like that before. It is definitely thrill seeking slides. I couldn't handle them all. Two of them gave me a panic attack. I just get this fear when water splashes in my face and it gets hard to see or breathe. They weren't full fledged panic attacks. But my heart raced and my breathe was hard and panicky. I went to the wave pool a few times and had myself a nice colada drink. Had there not been a line for the large oversized hot tub, I would have finished there. I picked one of the easier yet still fun waterslides to go down before I ventured back into the mall. Of course I wished I had more money I could spend. I was bummed at the overall food and transportation expense because that meant spending less on shopping. I still got a good amount of stuff. I could have bought more, but will have to save my shopping for another time. I originally planned to get some stuff at Guess and Express too, but I know there are stores in the states or where I could just order clothes online. Fun Fun Fun. I could do it again, but will have to be later in the future.

Dear Jon

This is more thinking out loud and a brainstorm than anything.......
The past week and last week or so; I still don't know how honest you're being. I really would assume that maybe you're just bullshitting to test me, or maybe you are seriously telling the truth. I think you were testing me to see if you could still make me cry to tell whether or not I have emotions for you. Your test made you find out your answer....... I still don't know what is completely going on with you; if you have your mind set on something; if you have any serious plans about something; if you're being just spontaneous about a lot of things.
I can't help but have a little laugh to myself and feel I'm still probably being decieved in some ways with a subtle suggestion of ~domestication to you~ I don't completely eat up the super size meal and exaggeration of writing a book. I'm just wondering what are you expecting and thinking? I hate my status quo for what it is: I have a damned life, can't find and keep a job, feel constantly hated in the meanest and most degrading ways, and have nowhere else to live but my parents house. You could probably be making assumptions and deceptions to ~lie to me and hint you want me and want me to be domesticated to you~ for the motive of wanting me to stay calm or something. It is better than putting up with any of your abuse. I have thought about the idea on occassion and in general terms sometimes and it is another thought where it depends and it is complicated. I've actually thought it was a nice thought. But lets get real: where am I really living and just how bad my personal finances have been. Do you really think I'm sold on your fairy dust to keep living with these circumstances? I do know I get lied about and harassed with other things that is really just extra junk noise in the background. But in judging me honestly to know what my real focuses are; do you really think I'm sold on playing pretend with your fairy dust?
If I am supposed to accomplish something and figure out the precise person to say the precise thing to, or conform to subjective games, I really don't know what to do at this point. I really would not be surprised if someone took their corruption a step further to not only deny everything I am but to seriously give me some kind of psychological or mental label that will force me to only accept a welfare check the rest of my life. Some people have been so violently judgemental, harassing, and undermining, I really wouldn't be surprised if their desperation would get away with their hateful intentions. I hate the general idea of people who have already been labeled at being disabled and disordered right now. This really isn't about them and I really do hate the extra pressure and expectations to be cautious when I'm just trying to speak personally about what is going on around myself. With the abuse I've already experienced, I really would not be surprised if someone were to get away with more desperation of how they want to label me.
I just don't know what you really expect of me or where to go from here. I still have clung to the statement that I'll never blame myself for anything, but some people's hate and desperation has been and has the potential to be too strong for me to do anything about anything. I don't have the money to get out of town. I don't have the money to do much for myself. Besides saying that you think I have been working too hard; I feel lazier in the past few months naturally with being pregnant and all. video games just aren't as fun anymore. Well, I really don't know, I just havn't cared to play them. Something I may get around to one day. Maybe when Mitzi gets older, I'll play some with her. With you to play video games, its back to the fairy dust............
off to have another day of napping and knitting............

Dear Jon

Besides some Peter Pan jokes, I had the wierdest dream the other day that I was floating, no gravity. It really scared me. Just a random thought......
I think you gave a hint last night with one reason to be angry or hateful towards me. Steven Seagull (Colbert). I really don't know what he really did to you. I obviously did cheer for him with however "he beat you up." I'm sorry. I know you and him have seemed to kid around and stuff and I really don't know the drama that is going on with you guys. It was just a time a few months ago when with the things that were going on, I was happy and relieved. I can put it behind me, but you give one reason to be the punisher with me. I really don't know how else to say anything. You seem to have your own thoughts and I have mine and I don't know how to not breathe. We can't change each other's minds. It is just a moment to put behind, but you could be wanting to use it against me for a long time or just have your own times of getting revenge and that is that.
I don't have anything against Steve now. It is nothing personal that I havn't watched his show. I havn't even caught up with all of the SNL episodes yet. I even told you I have usually been going to bed earlier, so I'm just plain tired after your show. He is on my good side though right now. Well, I guess it also depends on your punishment and my ~hard time to say~ obedience to you~.
I know that you sometimes play the pimp with me. But, besides Steve, sometimes I think there are random men that come and go that you just may actually be jealous of or have a problem or worry in me being attracted to. You already know how it is with me when it is on my end.... I know I'm more emotional right now and have a lot of emotions about a lot of things. I've already said that right now I just don't care about anything. So, if you want to keep seducing me and me play your sex kitten, I can play along. I may have a clear mind or something may be different in the future later, but I just don't care. It does and doesn't count with the fairy dust but I'll just be carefree.

Bubble songs

In my emotional state, I want to put some bubble songs out there. There are more emotions that I feel but I don't want to wear my entire heart on my sleeve